Posted by: innerpilgrimage | July 22, 2015

Brutal

I have to be brutal today. Brutally honest with myself and with anyone who reads this who suffers from compulsive overeating disorder or is in relapse from her or his program.

I am absolutely flailing today. It’s as bad as it was before I walked in the door, though without the quick-fix delirium I used to have. I know this will take time to undo the damage I did to myself with food since I relapsed at the beginning of the year and simply gave up. Or maybe I relapsed earlier or later. See, I don’t really remember things too clearly right now.

I am in lost in the thick mental haze of compulsive eating today, and it is a horrible place to exist.

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Posted by: innerpilgrimage | May 24, 2015

Agua Fresca

I’ve been food abstinent since May 19, and it’s going okay. I’ve made a few changes, and I’m eating about 2,100 calories per day. The biggest change is that I’ve added a three-liter water minimum per day. Liquids alone don’t cut it. I do drink coffee, but that adds more to the strain on my filtering organs. Since I’m 45, I’m leaving the maintenance period of my life. Losing weight will be harder now than it was before.

I am humbly grateful that my rock bottom was 200 lbs. instead of 300 lbs. this time.

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Posted by: innerpilgrimage | May 21, 2015

A Work in Progress

Well, I started my food plan again on May 19, and I’ve been food abstinent since then. It’s not easy, because I’ve gotten used to living in relapse mentality. I want to pick up my favorite trigger foods, and I have to remind myself that I’m back in program. Immediately, the addiction starts deconstructing and reasoning that I deserve or need or should have the impulse treat. Little sneaky ideas flow into my head, that I can control myself or that it really doesn’t matter because the impulse food buy will make me happy.

Yeah, recovery after relapse is *so* fun.

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Posted by: innerpilgrimage | May 19, 2015

Back in the Saddle Again

Please bear with me . . . it’s been a very long time since I’ve added an entry here. A whole lot of life has passed between March 24 of last year and today.

Right now, I’m just starting my first 24 hours since my relapse at the end of December. I just let go completely, though I had been sliding into it for a very long time. I went to a Lifeline meeting last night. The current May/June 2015 issue of Lifeline is about the lessons of relapse. I love those Higher-Power moments, those signposts on the journey which make it clear that I’m on the right road. Now really is the exact-right time for me to return home to OA. That meeting room (the safe place where I belong when it comes to compulsive eating behavior) and the principle-focused fellowship within were what I needed. With a newcomer chip–since we don’t have relapse-and-return chips–I am finally ready to return to program.

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Posted by: innerpilgrimage | March 24, 2014

A Sole-Weary Woman’s Instep with A Barefoot Wanderer

      I read today’s entry from Beyond Belief: Agnostic Musings for 12 Step Life by Joe C. Today’s entry is about the story of runner Christopher McDougall, who wrote the book, Born to Run. It questions pain aversion through manufactured comfort and the curious paradox that avoiding pain can lead to worse harm in the long run. The entry asks three questions at the end: What am I running to? What am I running from? When was the last time I ran just for fun?
      I don’t run, myself, but I walk. I walk as an action plan, though I don’t walk every day. When I feel deeply anxious and triggered to act out any of my compulsive behaviors–overconsumption or over-restriction–the walking helps. It also helps me keep that promise to myself when I first entered Overeaters Anonymous, that I want to be healthy more than I want to be thin. I’m imperfect, so how I am healthy is imperfect.
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Posted by: innerpilgrimage | March 23, 2014

We Belong, We Belong Together

      I have an intense desire to belong to something greater than myself. This isn’t against human nature. I, and every other person out there, evolved to be like this.
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Posted by: innerpilgrimage | March 22, 2014

A Whole Lot of Changes in a Short Period of Time

      I get intense anxiety when I face off with huge changes in short periods of time. These changes get me looking at myself, what I am trying to control but cannot.
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Posted by: innerpilgrimage | March 13, 2014

Right into the Danger Zone: The Twelve Steps of Relapse

      It’s been four years and five months, today, since I started abstinence and relapsed before the first twenty-four hours were over. I thought today would be fitting to look over what I found yesterday, “The AA Danger Signs”, and try to apply them to my current recovery.
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      I have a collection of daily readers, books set up to inspire me one day at a time and give me pause to think. They’re all a little different, each one. Some are 12-Step conference-approved literature. Some address issues I have in recovery (finding personal balance, practicing forgiveness, living one day at a time). Some have subjects to consider for the day. Some have quotes. Some have affirmations. Some have a blurb about how to deal with life. Some have personal stories meant to give experience, strength, and hope. Some use God as part of the solution.
Some don’t, like the newest daily reader I collected (and the first daily reader I’ve bought on e-book for Nook): Beyond Belief: Agnostic Musings for 12 Step Life by Joe C.
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      I just got wind of this new thing someone started: Spiteful Donation Day. Even more interesting is that it’s on the Ides of March . . . the day Brutus and other Roman senators stabbed and killed Julius Caesar. Rome had gone from a republic to an empire, with Caesar as emperor. They weren’t able to restore the republic, even after a civil war. Donating to charities in the name of a person one resents–right when charities need post-holiday season donations–is a much better idea.
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