Posted by: innerpilgrimage | October 22, 2009

Trading Living Outside One Comfort Zone for Living Outside Another

Days until my 40th Birthday: 54
Days of Abstinence from Compulsive Eating: 8

      Meeting was great, and today is rough because I want to binge eat really badly. I am actually having hunger pangs and nothing I am eating is doing it. This is frustrating beyond words, and I crave the things I have around me. I’m going to have to leave the house, maybe work out, maybe get a thing of Diet Dr. P. and kick back and journal or work on book ideas . . . whatever to get out of this hungry! I am just going nuts here, and I really don’t want to.

      That said, I am still pleased I got as far as I did today. I mean, my “binge” really only was 1 cup of cereal and a half-cup of edamame. And it is lunch time . . . I’m going to wait for another half-hour to let it subside, drink some water, then have a salad. I am baking banana muffins which probably isn’t helping the issue much, but if I work out the calories of a banana muffin, I can have one for dessert tonight. But it smells homey and bakey here right now.
      Really looking forward to going to visit my friend in NorCal. Very excited about getting out there and really having fun. I hope nothing will go wrong while I’m out of town, and I am sure everything will be all right. But I worry. Unfortunately, this intense fear causes me to have a lack of life that is irreparably . . . irreparable?
      Hm. I’m thinking that maybe I should have my meals pre-packed for when I’m on the road. This is probably a really good idea, considering that I might have an issue bingeing on the road, and I don’t want to.
      I am CRAVING pretzels right now, too! Snyder’s of Hanover’s pretzels. I had a really good road trip once, and they were basically my copilot on that trip. Pouring down rain, driving on the 5 northbound to home . . . to where I will be starting out towards on November 1.
      I may drive past my family home this time. My youth, and the roots of my eating disorder. It’s only a house, but it was where I began, where I started realizing that I wasn’t good enough. What’s worse is that I was always a fat child. So . . . does this go back farther? Does this go back to when I can’t remember?
      Just for Today, I will get through my meal plan. I will hold on, and I will survive. I will do the math on those muffins and I will have one if it’s lower than my spare calories. Denying myself out of fear will only lead me to binge. Being able to plan, to choose and possibly even have half of a muffin instead of a whole one. I don’t have to deny myself, I just have to be reasonable.
      Just for today.
      And yes, it’s worth it because my pants aren’t too tight and my shirts are getting looser. I can breathe easier and move around and I feel good. I don’t feel completely lost. I love feeling that I’m not lost.

@>—–>—–

      I made it through the binge craving time! Hooray. I’m not hungry, I’m relaxed, and I am ready for the evening. Though I do have a mild headache, and I’ve had it on and off all day.
      I want to ask the Universe this question: When I am trying to be “cool”, why is there always something which happens to make me look like an ass? Today, I was just being myself–not evil, not particularly wonderful–and I get home and realize my fly was open. I have no idea if it was open while I was shopping at Target, but the point is that it was. And I hate that every time I have self-confidence, the Universe bitch-slaps me into feeling like the complete loser I have always felt like.
      I doubt I’m cursed, but this is such a regular occurrence (I feel confident, and I trip; I feel good about myself and I just fall over; I run into things and people when I’m just out there “having fun”) that I am getting a little frustrated.
      Oh, and I tend to be a 5-Mile Blinker whenever I’m car singing, one of my favorite things in the world, which I know makes me look like an ass already . . . but being a car-singing 5-Mile Blinker just nails my “cool” coffin closed permanently.
      On, the upside, I do get a LOT of uncool all over people’s cool. So that’s good.

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