Posted by: innerpilgrimage | October 30, 2009

The Monster in the Fridge: I Don’t Want to Give in to My Compulsive Overeating

Days until my 40th Birthday: 46
Days of Abstinence from Compulsive Eating: 16

      When they say, “Just for today,” they mean the single, long, painful days that are to come as I prepare to travel 800 miles by car the day after Halloween–which is the biggest holiday in my immediate family. The anxiety of packing and cleaning out my car and making sure I have everything and staying on my eating plan and finding meetings and, and, And, AND, AND . . .
      It’s a lot and I am wanting to comfort eat so very, very badly. I make it through the day food-wise. I survive. And what used to feel like more than enough seems like starvation in my comfort-driven mindset. Two cups of this? Five ounces of that? How can a person live! screams my inner overeater. But first-world people can survive on a lot less in order to be and get thin. In the case of starving nations, just to survive. Two thousand calories per day is very reasonable; in some cases, it could almost be gluttony.

      This morning I woke up very early and very hungry. Waking up hungry is good because it means that my body is working properly. When I don’t wake up hungry, that’s a problem. Though I hate the feeling (I get queasy, also–I suppose a remnant from pregnancy days). Part of the very hungry, however, was the stress. And I thought about the rest of today and felt total and absolute anxiety.
      I have this list of things I have to do in the next 48 hours, and part of me is anxious as Hell and doesn’t want to do them.
      Among the things I have ahead of me:
           Pack clothes with an eye on 7 to 14 days worth of clothing so I won’t have to wash my stuff more than once.
           Get my electronics gathered.
           Make sure my documents are together and current.
           Collect books and DVDs I want to take up there. This includes my OA books, my food plan stuff, and gift books I’ve bought over the last few months for my friend.
           Make sure I have bedding, my own pillows and sundries and towels (I’m borrowing a couch and the person I’m visiting lives alone).
           Clean out my car more. There’s nasty stuff on the back floorboard behind the front passenger seat that I need to de-adhere from my car’s carpet.
           Make sure I have the right kinds of foods for my trip out there. I need to make sure I have a balanced diet in the cooler chest.

      I also am anxious because I am not going to be publishing regularly over the next two weeks unless I am lucky to get my hands on wireless access. Thank HP it looks like the battery works.
      Well, I gotta get my day started and appreciate that the packing will distract me from the food I want to binge on. I have a lot to do and it feels like I have zero time to do it.


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