Posted by: innerpilgrimage | November 3, 2009

Some Addictions Are Worth It? No Addiction is “Worth It”

Days until my 40th Birthday: 42
Days of Abstinence from Compulsive Eating: 20

      First of all, brewed black coffee is 2 calories per 8 oz according to dietblog, who got it from the USDA nutrient base. Espresso has 1 calorie per ounce, so the doubles I pour are only 2 calories. Boo. Yeah. I have been attributing 10 calories per double and per cup of coffee. That works for me because I was farther from my discretionary calorie maximum than I thought.

      Okay, to the meat of the post and the work worth doing.
      Mid-drive on Sunday afternoon, I was on the freeway and was hungry. Almost from nowhere came this gigantic piece of dark and fudgy chocolate cake–at least five layers of rich cake and frosting tall–on a billboard. I actually said the words, “Oh baby”. Yes, I am a compulsive overeater. I might have stopped for the cake (okay, no I wasn’t going to, but it got me good) had I not been so bothered by the ad copy:

                                      Some addictions are worth it.

      I immediately reacted. No addiction is worth it. Even if it appears to be such a seemingly harmless one as food, it still sucks your soul. Impairment is relative. I didn’t face some of the immediate effects that alcoholism or drug addiction can produce in a short period of time. I was fortunate, like the person who plays with the edge of overdose, not to end up with an incurable symptom of my disease–like heart failure or diabetes. Food is a slow death in most cases, and it saps your will.
      Yesterday, I got to a meeting. This was a Big Book meeting. We read the story about the doctor who started as an alcoholic and ended up addicted to stimulants and narcotics and alcohol, the same one I believe I mentioned in an earlier post. It’s gone by several names over the years, but most people understand it as the one about acceptance.
      During sharing, the members’ stories touched me and affected me and made me that much more resolved to work the program. It was a Higher Power moment–the ones where you realize you’re receiving 5 by 5 what your HP means for you to learn now?
      One of the things that is mentioned in the doctor’s published story is that there are no mistakes in one’s HP’s world. For those who are deeply Western-religious, I think that can be frustrating because they feel God’s plan is God’s world. But I can’t see it as a mistake when one has to fall hard enough to finally admit that a real problem exists. The mistake may be an individual’s, but it takes that hard lesson to be willing to absorb what’s being taught.
      The best lessons are the hardest won. These are the ones we hold on to, the ones which develop our characters. These are the ones that make us surprised and happy as the downward spiral not only stops but turns upward. We may not be rocketing out of it, but we are undoing what was done.
      Tonight is a busy night for me. I am very busy tonight with many things. Unfortunately, I am also exhausted. No pep pills for me, though. I’m going to have to suck it up and trust my HP will get me through this, too.

      I am Jess, and I am a compulsive eater. Higher Power, I release my compulsion into the Universe so it may dissolve into the void. Expose my ego, so I may become a better person in the world around me. Let me keep receiving the guidance so I can keep abstinent and grow in the program so I can help others seeking a real solution as my OA family has helped me. May I be challenged to find knowledge of my disease because I know the answers are waiting out there for me to find them. I will keep my mind open and ready. I will keep coming back because the program works; I will work it because I am worth it.


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