Posted by: innerpilgrimage | November 20, 2009

My Higher Power Apparently Has a Great Data Plan: Getting the Message 5 by 5

Days until my 40th Birthday: 25
Abstinence from Compulsive Eating: 1 Month, 5 days (36 days)

      I was thinking about how, recently, I have been successful giving up my problems to my Higher Power, and I thought it would be nice to maybe share exactly what happens when I do it–mostly because it’s been working so well for me. The love addiction urges are gone now that I’ve worked Steps One through Three on that addiction while actively looking for a good online solution (which I found) until I am able to go to a face-to-face meeting. And I am thinking it should not be a co-ed meeting, either.

      So, on to my Higher Power.
      My personal Higher Power is the Universe. I see the Universe swirling around outside and inside us– a bunch of neutral energy that can be directed and used by any of us (order) or left alone (chaos). Sometimes order chains itself or chaos happens to line up and we see where things are going. Most times, we don’t because nothing is in alignment for enlightenment.
      While I can give up my will to the Universe by releasing my inner turmoil to it to be recycled into something useful, the Universe has no will to direct me. In essence, the order created is “God’s will”, it’s the part of the Universe that offers me sanity. Therefore I seek out the order, or the intelligent reason which has been put out (like signposts or flyers nailed to a phone pole) for the use of any who seek it.
      When I “pray”, I try to step outside the problem that is causing me emotional turmoil. It sounds like I’m having an intimate conversation with God, mostly because I address the Universe as “you”. I also use I messages: “Okay, I’m trying to control this and I need to step back” or “I gotta let this go because it’s making me nuts, here” or “I seriously need some perspective, here.” There’s how I “pray”. I let it go into the void so it’s not in the way of what’s coming in.
      When I “meditate”, I don’t do the traditional closed-eyes yogi-posture clear-your-mind kind of meditation. I actively meditate. I open myself up to a solution and let the messages come in. It seems almost too random to work, but they do flood in because they are already inside me (seeing as I’m part of the Universe, too).
      It sometimes does come down to being led by my nose. As reason is chained together through ordering what I am taking in, I begin to receive answers.
      Answers come from everywhere. I get them from readings, from sharing, from emails from friends, from internet searches, from overhearing snippets of conversation, from the music that is playing around me, from writing . . . just about everything can hold a message. But when I see patterns, I realize that’s probably the message I’m supposed to be getting.
      Sometimes I don’t understand the meaning because a key piece of information is missing or I am actively ignoring what’s coming in because I want to be in distress. When I am feeding the addiction, my eyes are focused in. I am navel-gazing and fretting and worrying and pre-judging what people will say. I get wrapped up in the fantasy of rejection that I don’t give people the chance to reject me–and they tend to do it kinder than I do it to myself.
      My favorite things are when I realize something and then something else backs it up. How I know it’s from my Higher Power is because I feel sane when I think it and look at it. Part of the Twelve Steps, to me, is removing myself from the frenetic emotional states I throw myself into. I know what crazy feels like. It’s that Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride (TM Disney, I’m sure) feeling you get when you’re being dragged along and shaken and surprised and scared and you feel out of control even if you think you are in control because you have a steering wheel.
      Sane feels like standing in front of Sleeping Beauty’s Castle (might as well keep the TM going…) and taking it all in. There it is. Sometimes it’s covered in weird stuff for a particular holiday. People flow in and out. You’re standing there–not being pushed or shaken or moved–and life is flowing all around you, and you don’t have to do or be anything but where you are.
      Well, I got a few messages about the SLAA stuff. I’m going to pursue sponsors for OA and SLAA, and they’re going to be women. Period. I’m going to be polite to the men in any group I go to. I’m not going to cover them with my perceptions about them empathizing with me and therefore can love me for who I am–faults and all. I am not going to crawl into their heads, not going to play the mindgames, not going to flirt, and DEFINITELY will not flirt then lie about it to myself.
      I’m moving the 13th Step out of the equation entirely by taking what my Higher Power put in front of me today and working with it. When I thought about those things, they were sane. I was not manic, I was no whiny, I was not making up excuses why I shouldn’t choose a man to guide me (so he could saaaave meeeeee). Reasonably, I should choose a woman since a man doesn’t understand the issues women face socially and emotionally when it comes to food. Yes, we are all addicts, but a woman would understand it from the female-plus-addict perspective.
      So, there it is. Today is one of those wonderful days, where the cravings for my addictions just . . . aren’t. I don’t want to binge. I don’t want to seek fromance (frantic romantic warmies). I don’t want personal validation from anyone but me and my HP.
      So, there it is. A sane day after yesterday’s complete psycho-Jess freakout.
      And yes, one can be sane and pissed off. Sometimes the sanest response is to be irritated when something you did not anticipate goes in an unexpected direction.

      I’m Jess, and I’m compulsive about food and love. I’m going to work my steps despite trying to distract myself from Step Four with oodles of drama. The 12 Step program works for me, and I am going to work it because I am worth the physical, mental, and spiritual health that the 12 Steps provide me.

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Responses

  1. wow, i am so impressed with you! seriously! you have found the way to really find and really pull HP into your life. good for you, jess! you deserve it! i’m sure this will only bring good, positive things for you.

  2. Your views on a Higher Power seems to match mine. I tend to believe we are part of the universe and if we get out of the way of trying to control it, it will then be able to ‘reward’ us for allowing it to unfold. Much like a wave on the ocean who allows itself to go with the entire movement of the whole rather than trying to move the entire ocean finds itself much more at peace. Either way, thanks for your insights.

    • Thank you for your own insights on this entry. I appreciate what you said. Things have changed a little regarding my spiritual approach, but it still touches on this original belief. I agree we are like a wave on the ocean, part of reality based on our immanence. As the wave is part of the whole ocean, so I believe we are part of the whole of reality.

      Your words are a reminder that there is great peace being part of something greater. To be at all is a pretty amazing gift.


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