Posted by: innerpilgrimage | November 20, 2009

Supportless Group: I’m Concerned for my Abstinence

Days until my 40th Birthday: 25
Abstinence from Compulsive Eating: 1 Month, 5 days (36 days)

      I love my husband. I love him so very much–so much that I am trying to get better for both of us.
      I am really pissed off at my husband. I am frustrated because I want support on my two addictions and I was told that I am getting addicted to 12-Step Programs and got resistance to going to more than one OA meeting per week.

      So, instead of going to an SLAA meeting last night (I am married and angry at myself that self-destructive “romantic” feelings are returning), I went drinking instead. Only one beer (to keep within my discretionary calories allowance) and no desire to get another, which I am pleased about. What I’m not pleased about occurred once I was buzzed on said one beer. And I’m going to start attending online meetings during the day for that, since I clearly have to do this on my own, hiding. I hate hiding.
      Last night, I went frantic looking for my OA telephone list. This would not be a problem except I was looking frantically for the number of the person on the list I should NOT have called at that point. I’ve lost it pretty-much for good–in both senses of the words.
      In SLAA terms, I was looking at manipulating my way into 13th stepping. I was bingeing on the drama. I was sneak-desiring. I mean, it’s not like this person likes me that way. But I felt that he understands me. That he supports my desire to be in OA and work hard to get healthy.
      I think my gut instinct was that I wasn’t getting that kind of support. While I agree with my husband that it’s worse when I’m isolated (which I am all of the time), I disagree that adding meetings is addictive behavior and not really helping. So many things I keep to myself–about crushes, about guilt-ridden thoughts I don’t act on, about self-anger because I can’t control the love addiction.
      And I am basically being told, “Okay, one 12-Step program is enough.” So I get to deal with it sideways through OA, where the target of my current attention is. Lovely. Just . . . lovely.
      Now, my HP did give me a wake-up call last night which really made me think. First, this guy is a wonderful person–for someone else (who he already has). Second, 13th Stepping is WRONG in every group. I believe it’s wrong, even if we were both consensual and available. Third, I was feeling extra-vulnerable and unsupported last night, and someone who empathizes instead of tolerates my 12-Stepping would–of course–be appealing. Fourth, I knew I had the “love addiction” before I even walked into my first meeting. I knew if there were men in the meeting, I would crush on one. I hoped I wouldn’t–I always do. But that’s how things work in my head.
      So, my OA foundation allowed me to get a cosmic bitchslap from the Universe–one I needed. I was frantic, having the manic “I neeeeeeeeed the comfort” while freaking out about the guilt of wanting to just be hugged by this person. To be held and protected and to feel that things will be all right. To be treated like a “normal” woman, one who is petite and feminine and wears make-up and spends time working on her hair instead of wondering which handgun she enjoys firing best or what it’s like for most men who know I can see their bald spots when other women can’t.
      I know women who envy the fact I’m tall and therefore intimidating. I hate that I’m tall and intimidating. Not only can’t I go to a store and find clothing that does NOT make me look like Baby Huey (Warner Bros. cartoons, the giant baby bear whose shirts and pants are too small because he’s tall and obese), I don’t even get to have tiny bones like these model-waifs. No, I am built like a Valkyrie, like I said before. Not tall enough for the WNBA, not short enough to be “girly”.
      Oh, so back to the cosmic bitch-slap. I’m just ready to cry, unable to find the number–which my logical mind is trying to interrupt me through this whole drama-is-my-lama moment that my HP just saved me from being a FREAKING IDIOT and losing my home group AND this person who I am comfortable talking to. Finally, I gave up. I relinquished control of this mess to the Universe.
      And the reason poured in and the craving went away. Even when I think I want to 13th Step, I don’t. At the base core of me, at the right-down-to-the-spiritual-depths, I don’t want this. This guy is a really wonderful person who I think I could be a great friend with, but in thinking about how we face the world… we would be toxic to each other. And that is assuming he liked me that way, which I am pretty sure he doesn’t. And if he did, what kind of person would I be taking advantage of it? That revelation from my HP alone made the desire to call and come up with some bullshit excuse to just “hear his voice” retreat.
      Most important, I resonate with my home group. I really like it. It’s convenient, nearby, and it’s filled with people who are tolerant and open my mind constantly when they share. Why would I kill the golden goose of OA meetings? I feel special there–just like I think he does. And since he’s been there longer, I’d be obligated to leave–especially if it went horribly wrong.
      So when I’m open to my HP’s messages, I get calm. But I need to pick up an SLAA meeting, apparently during the day online or via telephone.
      I don’t think my husband realizes what his words last night meant to me. I don’t think he realizes that I went to OA for both of us–so I could have a decent quality of life for a longer period of time. I apparently hid the crushes I had when I was busy well enough . . . he never knew. I am really bad at hiding things from the objects of my affection, so I am sure my OA guy knows. And I would admit it to him, but I honestly don’t want to lose my home group. So I’m going to release this crush to my HP, start SLAA, and hopefully find a volunteer opportunity.
      I am so isolated from the world that I live in fantasy most of the time. And I think part of that is because I fear this new, core addiction would kick in around people. It always has before.
      This sucks. I am hoping my HP can help me get through today, because having a love addiction sucks really bad. The guilt is eating me up because it hurts everyone I love, and if I could control this stupid fucking thing, I would have YEARS ago.

      I’m Jess, and I am a compulsive eater and love addict. I will keep working the program with or without support because it works for me. I am worth a life of sanity, and I am going to fight for it.
      Even if it’s just me doing it.

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Responses

  1. hey jess,
    wow, that was a deep one. i didn’t realize you had the love issue too. it seems to me like you are doing a great job of stepping back and looking at the big picture, whereas before maybe you couldn’t. just the awareness is huge. keep up the good work, all your efforts will pay off.


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