Posted by: innerpilgrimage | December 6, 2009

There’s Not Much to Say Today, Except My Router is Failing

Days until my 40th Birthday: 9
Abstinence from Compulsive Eating: 1 Month, 21 days (52 days)

Holiday Eating Season Countdown: 27 days

      I use The Cloud to write my blog (ie. composing and storing data on the internet, directly), and my internet router stack has been inspired by me to work on its own abstinence. The connection to the internet is sporadic, which doesn’t really affect my blogging all that much–until I need to save. My husband wants me to write this offline, but I’m a Fussy McFussypants when it comes to doing things MY WAY. Generally, my way doesn’t involve taking too much effort to do things, and when I get stuck in a routine, it’s hard to get out of it.

      Some routines are good–like changing overeating patterns. Some routines are not–like feeling all butt-hurt every holiday season knowing that my parents don’t want me around, even if my sliced sweet potatoes in the casserole dish kick butt. And since I only have three people to cook for, the onion-broccoli bake goes by the wayside (you would not believe how much cream cheese is in it!) because it’s a big darned casserole. I also used to bake pumpkin pies and sometimes even tried my hand at pecan pies. So many things gone because my parents go to Europe.
      I hope at some point, perhaps next year, we will have a place to go. I hope to be in Oklahoma next year cooking up a storm. Pies and casseroles and everything for a big family event because my older son, W—, will be turning 18 the next month.
      You know how people say, “It feels like just yesterday he was a baby”? There are days like that for me sometimes. I don’t feel twenty years older (or even fifteen), but I have my “baby” turning twelve next year, and my little boy turning eighteen in 2011. It’s awesome and scary at the same time. Impressive, to say the least. I have no idea how someone could start a family in their forties, but more power to them. I have no idea how long after sixty I’m going to be around. I don’t even know if the decades of obesity (until now) are going to affect my future. I’ve been overweight all of my life, save for a few years here-and-there. I was always oddly healthy despite the extra weight. I feel okay, even at 250 lbs., but I know it’s going to get worse as I get older if I don’t manage it now.
      Not to mention, I feel better eating right. I seriously do. I mean, I used to eat candy and chips and soda and cookies and fried everythings. I rarely ate salads, and I never ate low fat. It’s interesting how I thought I “ate normally”, but now that I “eat normally”, I can see that I ate five to ten times as much as what I should not have eaten and nearly nothing of what I should have been consuming.
      It’s nice to get into a good habit. Each day of abstinence is one more day that locks in the good behavior, that–despite the barely controllable desire to binge sometimes–will be the cause of having a future. I mean, I don’t want to die like my ex-mother-in-law’s spouse did–at fifty-five of a heart attack just after waking up one morning. That scares the living Hell out of me.
      My name is Jess, and I am a compulsive overeater. Today, I would like to share what’s on a little card I have that says, “Just for Today” on the front. Inside are all of these messages for the compulsive addict:

      Just for Today: I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
      Just for Today: I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that, “Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
      Just for Today: I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my “luck” as it comes, and fit myself to it.
      Just for Today: I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought, and concentration.
      Just for Today: I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I don’t want to do–just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
      Just for Today: I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything, and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.
      Just for Today: I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.
      Just for Today: I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, some time, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.
      Just for Today: I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.”

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