Posted by: innerpilgrimage | January 19, 2010

Serenity, Courage, Wisdom

Abstinence from Compulsive Eating: 3 Months, 5 days (97 days)

      This morning, I was tested on my serenity, and I think I passed . . . for the most part.

      It started this morning when I woke up at one in the morning with abdominal cramps that got so bad I became nauseous. Cold sweats, the whole nine yards. I got through it and went back to bed, still sore.
      My husband and I were awakened by our son, who was having the same medical problem he had on Thursday. This is a major thing for me, being terrified for him then getting upset when he panics and makes it worse.
      But I talked out my serenity prayer, and understood that I could not manage his pain for him–but I could control how we managed it as a family. He stayed home from school and we went to the doctor. I’ve got a list of specialists and a prescription to handle the problem until we get to the specialist. Things are going to be okay.
      I also realized I didn’t resent my son for his illness. I resent the Hell out of the illness for keeping him from doing everything he wants to do. I resent the illness for causing my child desperate pain. And that realization made me understand that I had misplaced that Step Four resentment onto him for just being human, not the source of his difficulty. Now, with the resentment placed on the correct source, I feel freed from the guilt that I was upset at him for not doing what I told him. It was a good day, spiritually. I got the gift of perspective from my Higher Power this morning, and I am happy.
      Last night, I got the Voices of Recovery book and paid what was paid for it out of the group funds. I am happy that I put the group’s needs before my wants. I read my first daily reading this morning, and I related to its message about the fellowship and family that we can find in OA.
      That inspired me to call back the person who called me yesterday, just to follow up and see how things were going.
      I may actually be working all of the tools, soon. I’ve got my plan of eating and it’s going great (to the point I need to focus on recovery to catch up and slide that foundation under me to keep the abstinence weight off), I’m going to coffee this week with the person I just asked to consider being my sponsor (like just a few minutes ago, and it may happen), I’ve got 2 weekly meetings, I have reached out by telephone twice in the last 2 days, I write here daily, I now have a daily reader to fulfill literature, I’m keeping anonymity as well as I can, and I’m picking up a responsibility at my home meeting.
      Last thing, I got a chance to step on the same scale I stepped on at the end of October. It read 235. I am not unhappy at all about it. That I am under 250 is amazing to me, and I loved to move the big block on the bottom fifty pounds lower. From the end of October to today, not quite 3 months, I’ve dropped 32 lbs. without feeling the pain of a restrictive diet. This is completely unfathomable to me.
      Which is why I need to work my recovery with a renewed dedication.
      My name is Jess, and I am a compulsive overeater. I’m working it because I’m worth it. I used to think it was such a vain thing to say, but I look at the world and think we’re all worth it. A human life is precious.

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Responses

  1. ugh, i’m sorry you had such a lousy night and i hope that both you and your son are feeling better today.
    though the night totally sucked, look what silver lining surrounded the cloud!
    you go, girl!


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