Abstinence from Compulsive Eating: 5 months, 12 days (163 days)
In my effort to open up to the possibilities, I have been reading (though not doing the exercises of) You Already Know What to Do: 10 Invitations to the Intuitive Life. I read a section about going outside in the morning and asking my Higher Power for guidance, and in the tree outside of my balcony window was a mourning dove.
Mourning doves have been everywhere in my life for about a year. In the pre-dawn darkness, they coo sadly–it sometimes sounds like dozens of them. They’re all over the lawns, picking seeds. And they nest in the trees outside my balcony. In this book, there was an example of the earth-centered model of understanding intuition: sacred relationship between our spirits and the world around us. A person was confronted regularly with a type of animal and finally divined what it meant. Well, my animal is the mourning dove.
So, I went out to find out symbology of doves first, then mourning doves. And this blog here really got into the symbology. I got some serious meaning out of it, too.
Between constantly being driven to seek security out of my troubled childhood to needing to release emotional discord to even hope I can be healed on “all levels” (spiritual, mental, physical”), the mourning doves have really been making it clear they want to be my totem animal.
Air animal totems, from what I read, assist in the seeking of higher knowledge (especially spiritual) by taking up our desires and needs to the spiritual realm. They symbolize mental and physical strength (I assume from the spiritual guidance), which helps in new transitions. I am comforted by the mourning doves’ presence, despite the connection they have with death. However, not all deaths are physical; I am, by working the steps, dying to the life of the compulsive overeater. While I accept it will never be completely gone from my life (like past lives sometimes crop up in dreams or feelings we can’t explain), each day I live away from that cage of food, I do not understand how I could have lived like that.
I just had an inspiration. I talk about God being caged by organized religion, taking man’s limits and putting them on God. Well, I caged myself in food. I took a life of nearly infinite possibilities, and I caged myself in a religion of food. I worshipped my power of being able to eat myself to death. I was all-powerful in that way . . . . well, until physical limitations stopped me. It’s wonderful to take a vacation from myself. In fact, despite writing about “me”, I’m not concerned about what I look like, what choices I make today which will influence others, any of the things I obsess on sometimes (Hey, just because the food plan is working doesn’t mean I woke up healed after my first 24 hours of abstinence). I’m focused on the inner and outer world at the same time–where I feel my HP residing, existing, flowing through me. I used to reach far out for my Higher Power, to the ends of the Universe; recently I’ve reached as far as a held hand. Now, I’m not reaching at all–nor am I diving into that sometimes-filled spiritual ravine. That valley of the shadow of death that’s inside, you know? My Higher Power is everything, everywhere, and I don’t have to reach because it’s here, too.
I have that weird, lightheaded feeling that I’m about to have a huge enlightenment moment in my life, though I’m on the verge and don’t know what it will be. A word, a sight, pretty-much anything will tip this spiritual apple cart, and send spiritual food and deeper understanding all around my path.
Patience or passiveness, then, Jess? Am I exercising patience or passiveness? Patience, because I am looking forward to the results.
My name is Jess and I am a food addict. And no, the lightheadedness I’m having right now isn’t because I’m hungry for regular food. Well, maybe a little.