Posted by: innerpilgrimage | March 30, 2010

OA Step Six: On The Steps Again . . . I Can’t Wait to Get on the Steps Again

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

      I’m back to my table of defects with a calm mind and sense of HP-connection. I don’t feel like I have to do this right now. So, I think I’m ready to do it, because it has morphed from physical check list to spiritual journey again.

      I have it open, ready to work on it, which I am about to do. In honor of that, I’m going to post a gratitude list (to get into the HP-appreciation headspace) then move forward on my step journey.
      1. I am thankful for OA.
      2. I am thankful for the 12 Step process, which I am going to work for the rest of my life.
      3. I am thankful for abstinence, because it has given me the physical relief from being obese and the clarity to do the steps as honestly as possible.
      4. I am thankful that a handful of AAs came up with something that’s working to finally relieve me of my food addiction.
      5. I am thankful that I have work to do today at volunteering. Good, useful work that inspires me to even do the things I don’t normally want to do–like those thank you letters.
      6. I am grateful that I came to an understanding about humility being a good thing.
      7. I am grateful for the strength my Higher Power gives me to be a humane being.
      8. I am grateful that I have people to turn to when I am in need. This especially includes my first sponsee, whose insight into her own addiction has really given me a clarity about mine.
      9. I am thankful that so many people write about their addiction online, so I know wherever I turn there is a community.
      10. I am thankful that I am getting the inspiration to work out 30 minutes a day, just like I got the inspiration to find abstinence.
      11. I am thankful for today being such a nice day. It’s going to be warm, yes, but I am not feeling it as badly as I did 50 lbs ago.
      12. I am thankful to be surrounded by people who care whether I live or die, whether I show up at meeting or not, whether I am abstinent and recovering or not. I am not isolated, even as much as I might try on my own to be so.

      Well, I am on my way to starting the day. I hope everyone has a great day, whatever they’re doing. I hope that those still suffering from their compulsion find hope today by walking into their doctor’s office, their therapist’s, or an OA meeting.
      My name is Jess, and I am a recovering food addict who is on the spiritual walk again.

@>—–>———-

     Man, I just gave in to a defect, and it sucked. That self-indulgent escapism actually made me cry. I felt awful, just completely down about it. Though I am feeling sad, it’s a good thing. I used to revel in the self-involved drama I built up. I lived in character defects, drowned in them by choice. Just like my food.
      Now, like some food, I apparently cannot stomach my defects either. I’ve been calmer recently. Not non-committal, just calmer. I know my limitations. Yes, I find myself getting a little frenetic when pushed (though others say I don’t appear to be overreacting, that sometimes I seem very calm). I do dig in when I reach my limits. But I have not run away from starting projects. I have at least tried to get in there and work them out.
      Currently, I also feel guilt because I don’t want my sponsor to hate me because I am doing Step Six and Seven without her. This, of course, hits two of my primary character defect triggers: believing I know what others are thinking and guilt. Possibly martyrdom, too.
      I don’t know what she’s thinking. But I do know my mind. As much as I would like to have a sponsor, I am seeing that the sponsor-sponsee relationship isn’t the one I need.
      I need a sponsor who, when I don’t write one day, writes to me to see how I’m doing. I need a sponsor who seeks me out to get conversations started sometimes, who will spend an hour with me daily.
      Her advice? Top notch. Her experience? Great. She’s a wonderful, thoughtful, decent, kind woman who has a lot of experiential advice on all sorts of things.
      But we’re distant. I need a sponsor who I feel I can call at any time. I need a sponsor who will seek me out for five minutes after the weekly meeting to check up on me, to see if I’m overwhelmed by the service that I keep taking on because I answer my phone. (I now open the room for my home group, something I ended up taking on because I was who was there to do it.)
      I guess tomorrow is the today which determines it, and I have to let it go for today. It will unfurl tomorrow, become clear.
      Just for today? I can do Step Seven and let this go to my Higher Power, like all of my other character defects.
      My name is Jess, and I am going to do my Step Seven. Today.

@>—–>———-

      A funny aside–someone found my blog yesterday searching for 40 something failure. I just found that funny. No, I’m not being nasty–Seriously! I actually laughed because I could laugh at myself.
      Yeah, sure I can be categorized with everyone else in the world as being a failure. But it’s funny because I thought about it. Since I turned 40, I haven’t been. I’ve failed at things, sure. I’ve been imperfect (who hasn’t?). But . . . I just laughed because it seemed silly.
      I am a 40-Something failure. I am failing at abusing myself with food. I am failing at enjoying my addiction, so much so I’ve abandoned it. I am failing at doing it all without a Higher Power. I am failing to get offended by something that, in compulsion, I would have brooded on and cried over and raged over. I failed not to laugh about the fact that it does apply to me, and it’s okay that it does because that means I’m human. I am a complete failure at those things.
      I would not have it any other way, either.

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