Posted by: innerpilgrimage | April 15, 2010

HALT Should Be HALTS (The S Being for STRESS!!!)

      In the OA literature, they have a warning for us eating disordered who want to maintain abstinence: Never get too hungry, too angry, too lonely, or too tired. I think they should add one more–never get too stressed.

      Just for today, six months and day one, I have a level of stress that is running me so ragged that I am on the edge of freaking out. I keep telling myself (aloud, for those people who talk to themselves and worry it’s just them–no, it’s most of us, I’ve found), that my Higher Power doesn’t give me more than I can handle. Being challenged like this has brought that six months of “Just for Today” to the fore, and it is the only saving grace I have right now.
      What’s happening to cause stress that I worry about? Well, first is the OA service. I have an intergroup meeting this weekend I need to print documents for and prepare for. That is two hours out of this Saturday which I need to use for other things. But I committed to my Monday night group, so that’s cut out completely. I have been sorely neglecting my sponsees through this, and it’s making me upset. I committed to them and to perform treasury duties for my other OA group. As a fun aside, I also get to deal with the stress of getting books for our next literature choice: The AA Big Book. Happily, I have a chance to also pick up more newcomer packets with that order, so two birds, one stone. Thanks, HP for that opportunity.
      Second, I have the video project and thank you letters project. The thank you letters project was supposed to be a little more nebulous in timeline, but the video project has a turn-in date of May 11. The person I am doing it for wants to be very hands-on, but the machines at work can’t use the program I’m using. So I work at home and bring in the stuff. Happily, the video project is going faster than I hoped. I should have photos soon. Yay.
      Third, and the most pressing at the moment, is the small business my husband wants to open. I do, too, but I want more time to do it. However, it’s become the number one pressing thing. If I do this, he has hope and will hold on as long as he can at a job he desperately wants to quit. So, today, I have to get a virtual office space then register the business name with the state then get a bank account. The pressure from this one is seizing me up because it is relentless. I want to do it, but I am in a position where I am being asked to do everything all at once, and he’s not letting up. I don’t resent him for it because this is our future. But I wish I wasn’t the person who had to do the footwork for it.
      Right now, I have anxious shakes. I am actually trembling and want to throw up under the stress of it all. If I don’t do it all today, I will be facing his disappointment in me. I just wish he would give me more time to complete this. But it’s today, because I committed to today.
      He’s under stress, and he’s not listening to me about having only been 7 months out of my food comatose state. He knows about my other stresses, but this is what he needs to have hope to survive. Okay, maybe I harbor a little resentment because I need to be relieved of this pressure to get it done in a day. Of course, this was years in the making and I don’t really have an excuse not to do it. I procrastinated to now, and today I have a responsibility to follow through.
      Thank HP we got our taxes done in March. I don’t think I could handle having to take those in, too. All I keep thinking is that I need to get this done, and this part will be lifted from my shoulders. Unfortunately, it is replaced with more stress as we start collecting inventory. My shoulders and neck are now seizing, and the low-grade headache will be coming soon.
      I give this to my HP, and I am praying that what needs to be done will be. I am humbly thankful my HP has been with me for so long to give me the strength to get this done, because I am facing off with a lot of fears in a very short period of time. May my HP make this all go fast and somewhat painlessly, may my HP give me the strength to work this business properly and give me the mindfulness to make this future for my husband and me. With time and practice, I will settle into this new thing and be able to do it with increased ease. But for now, I am tense and facing off with the ugly anorexic side of my food addiction, that complete body shut-down where I can’t eat because I fear I will vomit if I do.
      HP give me strength as I go from here to do this amazing thing I could not do before. Allow me to feel the comfort of getting something done, of moving forward. While I seek progress, not perfection, for everyone, others around me seem to seek perfection, not progress, from me. There is no way I could do this without the program. No way at all. And for the program which gave me the HP which gives me the strength, I am humbly, humbly grateful.
      My name is Jess, and I am a food addict being tested to shift burdens to my Higher Power, so it and I can carry them together. There is no other way to do it, no other way I can survive this stress. But I believe my Higher Power has not given me more than I can handle. And that is already bringing some serenity as I write these words.

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Responses

  1. wow, you certainly have your hands full! i love the idea of adding “s” for stress onto the acronym.

    deep breath. take another. you can do this. and if you can’t, the world will not end, i promise.


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