Posted by: innerpilgrimage | June 6, 2010

Grace

      I have just realized today that the purpose of my recovery is to reach a state of grace.

      In the many senses of the word, I seek it. I seek the favor of my Higher Power, which I receive when I simply am willing to accept its will for me. When that peace and calm prevails in my life, I enter a spiritual state of grace.
      I seek the ability to move through the world with great refinement, a straight back, a flow of movement which denotes feminine charm that possesses a self-assurance granted by my Higher Power’s own strength of will for me. When that inner strength and physical lack of awkwardness prevails, I enter a physical state of grace.
      I seek the ability to choose compassion and kindness in my dealings toward all people. A politeness to those who do not seek my company and who do not approve of me–and a giving and generous hand to those who do approve of me. When that compassion and kindness prevails, I enter a mental state of grace.

      My Higher Power is offering me this gift, and I worry I do not deserve it. Sometimes I am very shallow, seeking approval as a sexually attractive human being. This approval is short-lived because the act of manipulating a person (generally a man) into finding me aesthetic and worthy of sexual attention makes me feel ashamed. I have what I need in my life and I do not need more. Yet I want more. And it is not fulfilling, for I chase hard then abandon the chase when the quarry is snared. What saddens me is that I know I do not want these people. I simply want them to want me, and then I lose interest. It is a broken thought pattern that I fully admit to. Before I married, I sought this approval then followed through against my own desires. I just wanted to be wanted. I didn’t really want the sex (not that I hate it, but that it had little more meaning than, “You’re attractive enough to swap DNA for a couple of hours.”).
      So, I see now that I am facing off with that again. I wore the 100 lbs. like a wall against intimacy. And now it’s gone . . . I fear I will become a target again. It’s not whether or not I am aesthetic to look at, it’s that I have no self-esteem at all. If a person finds me attractive and decides I am worth the effort to break down enough to try to get me into bed, I would feel wholly betrayed at the false friendship to bring me to that place. Ugh. I feel so raw these days. I felt safe within the fortress of food I created for myself. But the woman inside still sought it, and I was sought out then by some because I am very weak when it comes to approval.
      Time to fall back into my Higher Power’s strength again. I have walked for a long time with my Higher Power in the corner of my eye, trying to stand on my own and trying to control this on my own. I know my HP is there. When it gets to be too much and I finally surrender, the miracles start occurring. Seriously. I get understanding, messages from my HP through people, and things line up where I can find relief from the problems plaguing me. Yet . . . only when I surrender my ego-driven control.
      Those two states are like night and day. I mean, when I am trying to “do it all by myself!”, I am upset. I am tense. I am fearful. I do not take proactive steps to improve my life. When I surrender to my Higher Power, I relax. I feel at peace. I do the footwork that my HP guides me toward. I know life is better with my HP . . . but why do I turn away from it at all!!!
      I am so frustrated that I get locked into an obsession with numbers. Right now, it’s 189. In two months, it will be 181. Then 175. Then . . . crap, it will get to 125 and anorexia instead of compulsive overeating. No! I do not want to live inside compulsion! If abstinence feels better than anything out there tastes, then sanity feels better than any passion out there stirs!
      I do not approve of me, and taking a freaking census to find out if I am worthy of loving myself (not egotistically, but actually accepting the me that is, was, and will be) will never fix it. I cannot finally accept myself by majority rule, because it will never be enough because my broken brain would demand it be a unanimous vote. And the two people who tossed DNA together then welcomed me into the world 9 months later don’t like me very much. . . or at least they don’t act loving. And no, it’s not just me. They don’t really like anyone–even the “favorite” of my siblings and me. I consider one of my siblings has it worst because they criticize my sib and keep my sib close instead of criticize and keep at a distance (like my other sibling and me).
      I vacillate from feeling like I owe them a 9th step to feeling that it would open me up for more years of the same. I can’t live like that, being asked to seek approval from them then punished when I don’t near their unspoken goal for me.
      At this point in my recovery, I see that it would harm me to do an 9th Step with them. That said, I’m at least writing it up anyway–putting it on paper until I am strong enough in recovery to do it. I will be willing, and it will be done. And I will trust my Higher Power will put me and my 9th Step together with my parents when it is time.

      HP grant me the grace to be the woman you want me to be. I want to share the message of OA saving my life. No, I’m not going to force it on people, just let them know it’s an option. I want a life filled with the spiritual and mental grace so much more than the physical grace, yet I end up in that “physical grace” mentality when I shove my HP aside to hobble along on my own. But my HP is eternally forgiving and eternally there. Maybe there is a purpose for my life that I do not understand yet. Maybe not. But whatever it is, I need to fall back and absorb my Higher Power’s grace-driven gift of strength of will as I start up the journey yet again.
      June, my eighth month of recovery, will be the month I work my eighth step. HP help me.
      My name is Jess, and I am a food addict who needs her Higher Power more than ever. My HP has grace for me. And it is the word which makes every step until now make sense in my life. I seek grace, and my HP’s will over my own has given me it time and time again.

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