Posted by: innerpilgrimage | June 8, 2010

Crossing the Border to a State of Mind (and The Happiest Place on Earth)

      I started today’s blog about me entirely–my spiritual journey pep-talk. I was psyching myself up to talk myself into being ready for it, and my HP diverted me to the true goal: A Day of Grace.

      My sister recently got back from the Make-a-Wish! trip trip to Disneyland for my niece. Though my family has had its incredible challenges, ours are nothing compared to my oldest sister’s. She has two special-needs girls–one older than my younger son, and one younger. The younger one had the wish granted.
      My parents worried that my sister’s husband would be surly. Not at all. He was the photographer for most of it, but the pictures he was in were of him grinning with his daughters. And I realized . . . this man who I owe amends to is a really great Dad. He may not show my parents how wonderful he is, but in those photos I realized that maybe it’s because my parents always pressured him. Maybe he didn’t do well around them because he felt their disapproval–just like I feel it for me.
      Looking through the pictures, I cried. The tears were for joy and were for the pain that my sister had to go through it but . . . she’s happy in them. I mean, not the angry girl or young woman I remember growing up around. She has true joy, true faith. I have spent my life being critical of her, and I realize perhaps those tears were honest expressions of how I do feel about my family. She has extended herself for years to me and my children. I rejected her for perceived ills; I hated her and felt she deserved her challenges.
      Today I felt love for them all. What a gift to have been given from my Higher Power, to know I have a soul, that I can feel such depth of emotion for someone who I am related to. It sounds odd, but my childhood and adluthood has been challenging regarding the family I was born into. I realized that even though my parents might be toxic to my relationship with them and my sisters, I care about my sisters deeply. I care about their families deeply. And I can build from that.
      The biggest gift was that I believe I have a soul. I worried so long that there was nothing there, that I was aether inside my body. But there is something within me. I am not a void surrounded by skin. The intangibles are there within me.
      And this time, when I cried, it was okay. It was actually okay, because it was for a good reason.
      Well, I am off to make amends to myself and go exercise. Get a mile on a treadmill and give myself the healthy body my HP inspired me to want instead of a thinner body. The weight loss has been great, but I am at a place where I can choose to use the gift I was given or settle here in this body. I have a gut feeling I will need a healthy body sooner than later, that my challenges on this earth are not yet over. It is my footwork to bring my body to that place my HP wants me to, a place where I am able to thrive and survive when I am called upon to.
      My name is Jess, and I am a food addict who has enjoyed many, many days of recovery. I have seen 237 Just for Todays come and go since I started my plan of abstinence. My trigger foods are set aside, and trigger situations are spotted. I don’t eat in-the-shell peanuts or Halvah or go to buffets any more–even the salad ones. My Higher Power has given me the strength not to cross the bright line many times, and I am thankful it guided me away.
      I am entering a time of serenity, tripping over it through taking something I thought was a weakness (crying) and making it a strength (crying out of compassion for people I realize I do love). That could never have been done without my HP and the 12 Steps. I am so humbly, humbly grateful that I walked in the door of my home group last September. My life is changing for the better, even when I fight it, and like drops of water on a rock, the hardness I had grown accustomed to is being eroded away.

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