Posted by: innerpilgrimage | June 14, 2010

I Am Angry. HP Help Me, I Am So Damned Angry

      Well, I’m not going deaf or have an ear infection–I have allergies. Good.

      However, I am pissed off all to Hell after going to see the doctor. Why?
      Well, first of all, everything has to be cured with a prescription. No, okay? No. I can live with some pain. It means I am alive. I’m not risking mental side effects like anxiety and depression so my ears will stop aching. If they even stop aching.
      I said I was hypothyroid, and explained I did not want to be on thyroid medication because I eat soy as my primary protein and the thyroid meds made me queasy. Of course there will be “a need” to be on them. Hell no. I am not dropping my quality of life so dramatically, even if there is risk of stroke and coma. If it’s that bad, there’s probably something much worse happening to me in concert with it.
      The worst, however, was me proudly saying that since last June, I had lost 90 lbs. and that most of it was OA. She was suspicious because it didn’t have a nutritionist. I told her my food plan, and she had to admit it was reasonable.
      Of course it’s reasonable! It’s on the side of every freaking can label and box label! 2,000 calorie a day diet, balanced! God freaking damn it!
      Plus, there’s calling my insurance to find out they don’t cover my labs and mammogram for a well woman visit.

      I am angry because I wanted to believe this shit was all in my head. I cannot believe that a doctor just bitched me out for not seeing a nutritionist I can’t afford (and opting to use the damned food plan that our government put out!) and losing 1-2 lbs. per week over the last 12 months (as opposed to a half-pound per week. A half pound. Seriously?), something that I have been told by everyone under the sun is freaking REASONABLE!
      Now I am going to go ask my HP to help me be calm. I am going to pray for guidance, because I am completely wondering what the point of even going to the doctor was. Of being criticized for losing freaking weight and working toward a healthy BMI. It should have been celebrated, not attacked.
      And no. I am not blowing off my abstinence. She was completely wrong on this one. I am more resolved than ever to stay in OA. All I got were physical answers and physical responses and numbers games in that room. I got revenue generators and instructions to call my insurance. If she wants their freaking money, then she should call them herself! She didn’t even know about OA. With the massive upswing in obesity, how do doctors not know about OA?
      My name is Jess, and I am a food addict and food restricter and apparently compulsively bingeing on anger right now. HP help me get through this, because I am so tired of never being enough.


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