Posted by: innerpilgrimage | June 26, 2010

The Journey of a Compulsive Mind

      I am out-of-my-tree anxious right now about the trip. Part of me wants to leave right now. Part of me wants to keep the plan as it is. Whatever is going on, I am anxious as Hell.

      There is one saving grace to this anxiety–I have the recent spiritual work to help me and I have my Higher Power to turn to.
      I’m ranging to try to understand why I would be anxious. I’m not so uncomfortable about the transfer of rental between the person leaving and my friend who is coming in. That will go as smoothly as it will, and my friend will be there to help me. And I just realized perhaps it’s because I need to gather the things for the transfer that is making me anxious. I have a walk-through sheet to copy (I can get that when I pick up the rental paperwork today). Yeah, okay. It seems like it’s the paperwork that’s making me nervous.
      I am calling my friend soon, to prepare myself for the drive tomorrow. Yeah, okay. I’m not entirely prepared and it’s worrying me. Well, if I’m that bothered by it, then I need to get off my butt and take action instead of being a victim of reaction.
      I have my OA bag ready, filled with my books and some pens and pencils. I have my ugly pursey thing with my hairbrush and other stuff in. I have a suitcase filled with clothes for my trip. Everything but the dress, which I will be packing with my bright red swing coat. I have my crochet for meeting and waiting, and I have my beading stuff ready to go, as well. I am as ready as I will ever be for this trip.
      I think, perhaps, I fear the change of scenery. The things I hoped to do when I was there are actually causing me great anxiety. I think I would rather have a quiet week with my friend shopping for carpeting than going out. I am a little nervous that we might go out and he’d want me to drink, but I am sure he’ll respect my abstinence (alcohol calories are discretionary, therefore I don’t really drink any more–I have to choose between booze and dessert and dessert tends to win the battle).
      I also don’t have stuff for breakfast and lunch ready, nor do I have the cooler out of its hidey-hole. Ah, okay. This makes all the sense in the world, now.
      As my anxiety is melting because I am seeing its source (unpreparedness), I am seeing what I can do to fix it. When I arrive in California, I can make sure that I have had enough food to nearly reach my lower limit of abstinence so that I can enjoy a nice dinner with my friend. I can get up and go buy the lease documents I need to in a few minutes. I can buy reasonable food. I can pack the bathroom stuff I need to take with me.
      Everything spiritual is packed and ready. And that part of me is excited to go tomorrow, because I will have seven hours of being with myself and my Higher Power. I will have times of meditation and times of car-singing. I will have my mind toward today (even though it is tomorrow).
      So, just for today, I will prepare. I will be mindful of what I need to do to make tomorrow easier for me when it becomes today in its turn. I will relax and not fret that it’s possible I won’t put up any posts between now and when I get back, but I will have my computer and I will be able to prepare entries and back-date them for myself (and any people who want to read them).
      My Higher Power is taking care of me. My Higher Power is reminding me that this is an opportunity to take a trip outside my head and my denial and delirium (HAAM–heard at a meeting–and I absolutely love that clarity of what life in compulsion does to me), and I have a chance to be me. I hope my Higher Power will ease me from fretting about what I look like at any given time. I hope my Higher Power will strengthen me to make the decisions which will help me avoid needing to do yet one more set of amends.
      My name is Jess, and I am a food addict and food restricter. I’m taking a road trip tomorrow, the second since I gained abstinence. I am gonna be holding tight to my HP while I do this, since my Higher Power has consistently maintained my best interests–even when I have not.



  1. For some reason I thought you were going to be visiting your family. Have a great time with your friend : )

    I also will be taking a road trip in less than a week, mine to Colorado. I will be getting our rental fixed up and rented, so I will be there the entire month of July. I haven’t even started preparing for the trip, and yes, not being prepared does cause anxiety. I guess I will start with a list …

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