Posted by: innerpilgrimage | July 9, 2010

There and Back Again

      I am home.

      After having ten days of chaos yet wonderful friendship and some pretty good spiritual development that I was fearful wouldn’t stick, I am back in the oppressive heat of home and enjoying it. I have acclimated to it, so much so that it felt oppressively cold where I was. I miss my friend, but I was very ready to come home, especially after a week of trying to give up control of something I had no business even trying to manage.
      Big mantra of last week: “I don’t own this.” I didn’t, and I am happy to be back. Not to say I won’t be busy. At the end of August, I have an international guest coming in and potentially the person I moved in and a coworker of my husband’s who is a “shooting buddy” of ours. I am not sure how this storm will turn out, but I can only hope that the vibrant personalities of the two people who would be coming here because of me will not clash horribly.
      I have some real planning to do, and I am letting it belong to tomorrow. Today was about coming home. I did it. My Higher Power didn’t let me get into an accident, nor did my car overheat when I finally broke down and used the air conditioning once I crossed the state border.
      I have no real reason to fret, since I know what I have to do tomorrow and over the next week. I am looking forward to going back to my local meetings and volunteering next week, as well. Life is returning to normal already, and I am humbly thankful for it.
      I have noticed that few people hit my blog, which is nice because I like the quiet intimacy of having a few readers instead of the nerve-wracking 90+ hits every now and again. I’m sure on those days it was a combination of web crawlers and people who roll back to the beginning of my journal to read the journey I have taken so far. It’s been interesting.
      I did have several personality conflicts with my friend who I helped move last week, ones which tested my recovery. One of the things I found most frustrating was that it sometimes seemed he expected me to have achieved Oneness with the Universe in only eight months. I’ve had progress, but I am never going to be entirely free from compulsion. The daily vigilance is what makes the program work for me. The changes are small in the overall picture of my lifetime of compulsion, but the lessons I learn are life-changing.
      What I took home was improved acceptance. I accept I will struggle with it for a long time, since seeking external validation is a huge part of my personality. I want people to know how far I’ve come. I want them to see the change and compliment me on it. However, I see it as my ego being set above my Higher Power. Weight loss was nice. Hooray. I am in a position where I have to remind myself the weight loss was so that I could better perform my Higher Power’s footwork for me. My body isn’t strong (because I reduced calories and didn’t take the opportunity to build muscle as I did it), but I am capable of moving through life more easily. Many times, it’s shocking to me how far I have come. I complain about my broken eyes for good reason–when I am able to do something I have spent a decade assured I cannot do, I am flabbergasted when my body rises to the challenge. Even at 40.
      Another unexpected lesson was learning when to back out of a tense situation. Some of it was simply self-preservation. I knew what was coming if I engaged. And I knew it would cause more damage than good. I live a lot with the concept of not wanting to create more Step Eight work these days. I have an adulthood of stuff I need to make amends for. I don’t need more stuff to have to add to my Step Nine amends. So, I guess maybe this is a healthy coping mechanism. A defect (withdrawal) turned into an asset (withdrawal at a good time).
      I have to scoot to go grocery shopping.
      My name is Jess, and I am a food addict who has a long way to go . . . but the progress I have made already makes me pretty content with the HP driven life I am living more and more each day.


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