Posted by: innerpilgrimage | June 14, 2011

Well, It Certainly Wasn’t Me These Past 20 Months

      I have no idea how I made abstinence this month, especially considering I’ve had a hard time within it–probably because I have been seeing a lot of progress in the approval addiction stuff.

      I am less mindful of taste when I eat, like there’s a membrane between me and experiencing it fully–getting the direct and undiluted savoring-and-satiety messages across. Bad behavior is creeping in, like standing while eating or eating while distracted. That produces a sense of not having eaten, even when my body has given the food-satiety signal. However, I have been mindful, even as my brain struggles to autopilot my food again.
      Maybe relapse, maybe not. But for today? It will be what it will be. Anyway, here’s the weights and measures portion. I gained weight and feel like I look precisely how I did in my before picture (though reality shows otherwise in how I fit in chairs, restaurant booths, my car . . . everything). It’s not reality, but that addict-mind perception can really do a number on a person:
     
      October 27, 2009: 267 lbs, by a doctor’s scale.
      November 30, 2009: 253 lbs. by a scale at a store.
      December 21, 2009: 246 lbs. by the scale I currently use.
      January 14, 2010: 232 lbs. by the scale I currently use.
      February 14, 2010: 221 lbs. by the scale I currently use.
      March 14, 2010: 214.4 lbs. by the scale I currently use.
      April 14, 2010: 201.8 lbs. by the scale I currently use.
      May 14, 2010: 195.6 lbs. by the scale I currently use.
      June 14, 2010: 191.8 lbs. by the scale I currently use. Confirmed by the doctor’s scale.
      July 14, 2010: 181.4 lbs. by the scale I currently use.
      August 14, 2010: 178.0 lbs. by the scale I currently use. I am at “goal weight”, within 5 lbs. up or down of 175 lbs.
      September 14, 2010: 180.0 lbs. by the scale I currently use.
      October 14, 2010: 170.6 lbs. by the scale I currently use.
      November 14, 2010: 164.8. lbs. by the scale I currently use.
      December 14, 2010: 164 lbs. by the scale I currently use.
      January 14, 2011: 159.0 lbs. by the scale I currently use.
      February 14, 2011: 160.6 lbs. by the scale I currently use.
      March 14, 2011: 156.2 lbs. by the scale I currently use.
      April 14, 2011: 158.4 lbs. by the scale I currently use.
      May 14, 2011: 160.4 lbs. by the scale I currently use.
      June 14, 2011: 162.6 lbs. by the scale I currently use.
     
      I am right where I should be, even though I feel fat. My scale says I’m fine. My smallest pants are snug, but they fit. It all fits, and even though I feel whiny because the scale is telling me that my muscle mass is going down slowly even though I walk the 2-mile round-trip to the library regularly–loaded down with 50 lbs or so of books on the way then loaded down with the same weight (or more) on the way back. But, there it is. I feel fat and flabby and whiny, and blah-blah-blah.
      Yeah. Poor me, right? Well, I know I retreat to that attitude a lot, being a martyr extraordinaire (grandiosity through inferiority . . . self-hatred coming and going). It’s a process to shed these, and I am chipping at that mental brick wall of messages, replacing messages as I finally remove what is just a mess and replace it with a glass-brick message (it’s still a brick wall, but I can see through it). It’s not easy, but at some point, I have faith I will be able to smash through the glass and have no wall at all.
      I’ve gotten back into reading about mediums again. No idea why I can plough through a John Edward book so easily but can’t get through some easy-read fiction novels. Or even other books on mediumship by other authors. I guess his writing style is intimate enough that I sense it. And it’s like his eternal optimism that people will believe something he hardly seems to be able to believe, himself.
      Strong convictions, despite the criticism. Gandhi had those. Of course, he was overrun by the separation of Pakistan and India based on individuals of two faiths going to dogmatic religious war and bad census information gathered by the British. He believed in unification, not division. Sometimes allies we’ve walked with appear to turn when their goals are reachable. But they aren’t turning, nor are we. Their goals were simply aligned with ours for a short part of both our journeys. Then, they follow their path, and we follow ours.
      I’m not sure why I am deeply interested in mediumship again. Well, I guess I get to practice patience, because it’s not being revealed right now . . . even if I pout and stomp and whine.
     
      Eh, this entry just ran out of steam.
      Jess. Addict. Food. Approval. Yup.

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