Posted by: innerpilgrimage | September 9, 2011

Visitation

      I have a friend arriving tomorrow for a week-long visit. It’s a bit of a trigger because my home is a mess, but she’s patient with that.

      The one remaining car we have had a couple of issues that got handled, so she’s officially up and running for next week. I was worried I’d not have a car, but we’re doing okay. Released the outcome to HP, and things turned out as they did. Not awful, and I’m pleased we are doing okay at this point with our remaining vehicle.
      The money stuff is managed, and we are enjoying the post-crazy of the recent financial stress. When we finally got the income, it was a total relief. It was over, finally. The strain of August is going to have repercussions, but it seems we are returning to pre-strain financial status again. Also, after years of stress over the credit cards, one is finally paid off. While we still have a couple to go, that one credit card is going to save us its value over the next few years paying it down slowly. The pressure off us is so wonderful, and that’s a blessing I am thanking HP for today. Whatever happens tomorrow will happen.
      Definitely hitting my Sunday meeting, and I have been surrendering somewhat to HP about my abstinence. I’ve been running to the edge, and I could have crossed abstinence so easily in the last two days. But I consider that (1) the awareness I have been given just because of program and (2) the Higher Willpower coming through me–as its conduit–has allowed me a reprieve. But yes, I am struggling with abstinence because I want to eat emotionally. As the strain is rolling back like the tide, it’s getting easier.
      I was curious how much in my head I was over the anorexia. I still do get in the “I am my body, and my body still sucks!” mental space, but at least I know it’s an illusion brought on by learning this stuff as a kid. Culture and family (immersed in this culture) left me bereft of the ability to discern between reality and perception. Getting into a 12-Step for life has given me perspective. Yes, it’s a process, but it’s one which is keeping me moving forward instead of mired in my delusional thinking that I have to be on death’s door to be considered sexy. The weird thing is that the men I know don’t like the boyish figure of models. Ladies, we have been sold a bill of goods, and we are buying it up because we’re told perfection waits at the end. It doesn’t. I’m less than 10 lbs. from underweight, and I promise you that I have not hit perfection. Progress, however, has been my constant companion, and I am grateful for the grace given me with unconditional love by the Universe to be part of a growing and changing and evolving Universe.
      Will I lose abstinence before I reach 23 months next week? Will I lose it before reaching that 2-year coin? I have no idea. I would say yes if it was just me dieting. However, I surrendered it a couple of times at night in the last few days, remembering that abstinence is a gift. I didn’t earn it. I was given the willpower to maintain it daily, and right now? It is 24 hours, 1 hour, 1 minute, 1 second at a time–because I put my ego back on like an itchy and ugly Christmas sweater. However, when it gets bad, I get surrendering. Definitely a gift, too–that gift of surrender to a Higher Power.
      So, just for today? I will try to earn that little silvery plastic 24-hour AA chip we used in our OA meeting to keep people remembering the point of abstinence. I am not on a diet. I am a food addict, a woman who will eat for every reason and any reason–mostly to numb to escape stress. I am working with HP to come up with non-food, self-care stress relievers (bubble baths being #1 at this point), and I am going to keep on keeping on.
      And if I lose abstinence? It will only make the journey here richer, only allow me to be able to empathize with more people who have been in OA and have lost sight of the purpose of not-dieting. I may have come for the vanity, but I did stay for the sanity.
      I just gotta remember that it applies today, too, even with 695 one-day-at-a-times gone by the wayside. Each of those days was special and unique, not a link in a chain. Each of those days was one of surrender by the end of the day. Some were harder; some, easier. All, however, were separate and special, like a bowl of unstrung beads instead of a necklace of abstinence.
     
      My name is Jess, and I am compulsive about food and toxic love. It’s odd to see both addictions so prevalent in society. To observe them instead of drown in them sometimes makes me feel crazy. I do feel like an outsider sometimes, looking in. But I have to remember the most important thing: Going sane in an insane world doesn’t mean I am insane. I may feel intensely lonely in my world view out in the world, yes, but that’s what meetings are for.

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