Posted by: innerpilgrimage | October 3, 2011

Uninspired Titles and Other Random Thoughts

      Why don’t I write entries often any more?

      Computer issues. Life issues. I’ve had a lot to do, between footwork and life and generally trying to practice self-care, which is not terribly easy for a martyr archetype.
      It’s part of the fun of emotional anorexia, being a martyr. As a martyr, I will drain myself dry emotionally to emulate love without the actual investment. Gotta protect the core, right? It’s exhausting, like all ego masks are, so when I don’t get what I want (actual, authentic love through external means–which can’t be done) I get needy. Neediness, of course, is weakness. Therefore, as a martyr, I go through the motions and suffer. At certain points, the hunger for the toxic love hit gets so much that I demand to get what I want and end up regretting acting completely out of control. In reality? I am acting in powerlessness, acting in addiction.
      I’ve had a few near-misses with emotional eating, but I am still eating within my food plan. I’ve gained weight, which is fantastic because I actually have energy. I’m not feeling physically weak all of the time. What I am feeling is tense, because I fear what people would think of me for gaining weight. I am abstinent day by day. When I worry about what others think? I am on a diet, and I rebel on diets.
      I really don’t have much to say, except that somehow I am still abstinent. Yes, I have gained weight because I added calories one week, but that was by choice. At the caloric intake I had before I added daily calories for just one week, I am maintaining weight. However, I have the energy to do things like go to my first Zumba class.
      Zumba, by the way, was a great experience for recovery. See, I hate to be completely incompetent at anything I do. I want to drop into everything with the skill set which would allow me to do it amazingly well.
      I’m not very coordinated, so I had a few issues keeping up. However, I didn’t give up for that whole hour. I learned, slowly. And I am thinking that, if I keep going back, I will eventually get good at it. How so like abstinence this was! I started my food plan and tripped over myself. Over time, however, I learned to enjoy having a food plan. It became easier. I struggled, however. I had a hard time with transitioning to eating within boundaries.
      With the Zumba, the nearly two years of abstinence made completely tripping over myself laughable. Why? Because it was.
      Just keep trying, moment by moment. Yes, I might step to the left instead of the right. Yes, I might not do the gyration correctly. But I can learn, and as long as I am enjoying the benefits (a strong body, a community of people wanting to enjoy life, something to learn through regular practice and effort), then it empowers me.
      Just like OA.
      I have to admit I’m not as strong going to meetings because of external circumstances recently, but that’s going to change tomorrow once I manage transportation and scheduling. As much as I hate to say it, the meetings I went to once-upon-a-time just aren’t working any more. I have to look up new meetings to attend which reflect the change in my life’s schedule.
      Just more changes. That’s all. Change is good.
      My name is Jess, and I am a food and toxic love addict. Life is just life, I guess. Things change, we learn, and we live. What we learn, what we invest our energy toward after turning to a Higher Power for guidance. It’s a good life, a life of freedom to choose between the self-serving ego and the authentic higher self–which we are seeking to recover in this process. So when we say we’re being restored to sanity, the part of us which was once undamaged by external pressures is getting restored.


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