Posted by: innerpilgrimage | August 15, 2012

The Return Trip

      Well, I was on hiatus, and now I am back. Not only that, I am learning to use this with a notebook tablet–which is a challenge unto itself.

      For whatever reason imaginable, I have maintained abstinence this whole time. I have had times when I’ve wanted to binge. I have had times where I have wanted to starve. Yet every day, I fall between that ceiling and floor. I have cravings, look at that food plan, and can actually say, “No. Tomorrow, if I even want it tomorrow.” That’s, I think one of the better gifts that was granted by a Higher Power in my abstinence: The ability to tell myself, “I want this too much, so it’s being put on a 12-to-24-hour trigger list.” Usually, the craving subsides or gets deferred to another day.
      I do, however, consider I have some pretty wretched relapse habits. I don’t sit down and have three simple meals per day. Or maybe I do. I generally start eating and eat over an hour. It feels a little like grazing, but when I’m done? I’m done. And when I do get that fruitless searching for food going on? I don’t just grab anything and go with it–like I used to. Usually, I get melancholy (not very recovered, I know). Why? Because what I want will never, ever taste as magical as I lied to myself it would in addiction.
      So, yesterday? I had 34 months of abstinence. I weighed in at 158.4 lbs. and am in my target zone. I’ve sat in that target zone this whole time. Wore the same clothes this whole time–neither up nor down out of them, though they’ve been looser some weeks and tighter others. I never had to buy a whole new size–up or down–to have clothes. My addict self is criticizing me for it; my recovered self considered variance to be all right. I’ll worry if the ten-pound zone becomes thirty. However, my food plan is the only place I seem to surrender.
      Anyhow, I got back in the rooms today. After months of just giving up and promising myself, “I’ll go back when . . .” ? I decided to go back to OA. The cross-addiction of SLAA kicked my ass. So, I’m back at the beginning, and it’s okay. I’m not really bothered by it.
      My book productivity was through the roof this year. The calluses from hand-writing a series are finally softening. And I just kicked out two weeks and 250,000 words. It honestly was too much. I have no idea how to pare the idea down, but I’ll have to by half. Well, since most of it is dialogue anyway? A lot of those conversations are really more for my benefit and don’t really serve the story.
      What I do feel is wiped out. Utterly wiped out. But I showed up to meeting and here. That’s a pretty wonderful thing to be grateful about. Sure, I have a lot I want to ramble about in this digital playground. However, what I would end up writing would probably be more manifesto that recovery? I’ll leave it here for now.
      My name is Jess, and I am a compulsive overeater and anorexic. I’m the other things, too, still, but I learned my lesson: They really mean it when they recommend to tackle one addiction at a time. I thought I could, and I ran smack dab into Step One–my life became unmanageable and I was powerless over it. Problem was? I thought I could manage it and take control through force of will. And that time in the other rooms wasn’t wasted. I got some very high-octane self-awareness out of it. All gifts. All gifts.


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