Posted by: innerpilgrimage | September 22, 2012

Happy Autumn (Again)!

      Three years since I started this weblog. Three years, tomorrow, I walked into an OA meeting for the very first time.

      I don’t really have too much to talk about, except that I am still food abstinent. I am looking forward to doing this one day at a time, which is positive. I am having a rough time with emotions–not feeling them. I’m not interested in eating much during the day, so I am making minimums every day. I do get about halfway between minimums and the maximum (which I am unofficially supposed to be eating to). Still weighing every morning, and I get frustrated that I can gain or lose two pounds in one day, according to my scale. Yeah, it’s water weight gain or loss or this-n-that. It is frustrating, because the desire to be precisely right at X weight and maintain it (as a measure of “not being relapsed”) is difficult. Which, of course, is why I have a ten-pound weight range around 160 lbs.
      Last night, I was considering that I used to have a 52-inch waist (I couldn’t wear stretchy 48 men’s khakis), and I now am a 30X34. I’ve abandoned women’s clothing yet again for men’s clothing. I tore through the seat of my tall Mom jeans because I put a wallet in my back pocket and crouched to look at books on a bottom shelf. Three pairs I’ve lost this month alone. And I almost went into the Red Bullseye Department store to shop for household necessities when I got out of my car and saw a different color than blue jeans on my seat. I put on un-torn jeans, and I finally realized the source of the trouble was carrying a wallet in my back pocket. Same tear in the precise same place.
      What does this have to do with recovery? I guess it has to do with repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Real-world example of it. So, I changed how I did things. It’s not “perfect” (I wish I could buy affordable, fashionable, well-made women’s clothing in my height-size) but it works for the life I want to live (I can put my wallet in my back pocket, and these seams aren’t going anywhere, and my jeans are the right length and aren’t baggy by nightfall).
      I meant to get to OA this week, but I got so anxious, so tense, so completely ill that I didn’t go. I couldn’t go. I was totally upset, totally unable to handle the idea of walking into my home group because of what was being read at the time. It’s not perfect, but it’s getting easier. I am talking to and meeting with people in program outside of group. I want to go back to meetings, but I am procrastinating even getting into a room. I am so afraid that the God I am okay with people having will be shunted aside for proselytizers. And I’m realizing I see it in myself, as a 12-Step proselytizer in many ways. However, I still believe that OA is an option to look into. I looked into several options–a national diet plan, surgery, a reality television weight loss show, or OA. National diet plans are too costly; I can’t afford one, and I was a vegetarian at the time. The surgery became too scary. Despite potentially qualifying for the surgery at 100+ lbs. overweight, the surgical repercussions are no picnic. They also don’t address why I ate, and program does (I eat to not deal with uncomfortable or painful emotions). Getting onto a reality weight loss show would require a weight gain that would probably kill me before I qualified, and it also was clearly delusional thinking. OA was the only realistic option.
      And it worked. It still does. The changes that have occurred in my thinking over the last three years alone have changed my life completely. But I’m nowhere near recovered. I am recovering. And I am in despair because I want my hand held through the twelve steps. I want a friend to walk me through to that first marathon finish line in program. I liken it to a marathon, because no marathonner does only one and considers it over. Marathonners run races for life. So recovery is the marathon life, not running a marathon. Doing the steps is a marathon, itself. We train for it by following the tools, by accepting abstinence in our lives and enjoying the benefits of a clear mind as we run toward the finish line.
      And when we’re done with that first marathon, we celebrate the accomplishment and prepare to do it all over again.
      That’s a pretty awesome analogy, I think. I’ll leave with that, and consider what I need to do to train for this marathon. I want to reach the 12 freaking step finally, and maybe the lesson here is that I am addicted to people rescuing me and thinking for me. Recovery and program has taught me independence. If one believes in a deific Higher Power with purpose-driven will and intellect, this would be one of those guidance lessons. If there is one? I appreciate that whatever-is-out-there is trying to get me able to stand on my own two feet. It hurts, but perhaps the lesson here is that I need to learn to approve of myself so I don’t need to beg for the approval of others or rebel against their possible disapproval by binge-eating my anger, fear, anxiety, and sadness away.
      My name is Jess. I am a compulsive eater–both overeater and anorexic–and a toxic love addict–both compulsively hunting guys for their approval and locking myself in my tower to avoid the possibility of completely devastating my life. Guidance on Demand. I think I got some today. From where? No idea. Doesn’t matter where it came from. It’s here . . . just like Autumn, the third anniversary of the day I chose to live instead of die, and in few weeks? Potentially having three years of one-day-at-a-time in abstinence.



  1. Nice to see you are posting again.

    If weight variation can be a issue, have you ever considered using a 10 day moving average. It takes out the variation. just add up the last 10 day weights, divide by 10, and that is today’s official number.

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