Posted by: innerpilgrimage | October 20, 2012

Layers Upon Layers, But The Hope Is Getting Easier to Muster

Well, today was my very first ever CODA meeting.

I’m thinking about the first meetings I was able to get to over the last three years, and how pleased I am that I have, in this journal, the history of my connection to program as an adult. And I don’t really have any more introduction to this than, “I want these here as a quick reference to when I first walked into the meetings which are changing my life.” I have hope that by 45, I might actually have consistent recovered behavior. That . . . is such a wonderful point of contemplation and meditation.

First Meetings

Overeaters Anonymous: September 23, 2009
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous: July 18, 2010
Codependents Anonymous: October 20, 2012

Well, there’s not much else. I walked in there emotionally numb. I felt anxiety reaching out and admitting I wanted friends. That’s a good awareness, to speak the hope of having realistic, emotionally sane and safe relationships with people and having the fear reaction. I’m not doing well with mourning. The emotions are gone; I feel empty and numb, though not depressed. Definitely getting time in as a human DO-ing than human BE-ing because I don’t want to face off with any emotions. They’re all uncomfortable. Yes, I can reach with empathy, but from a distance.

But like Hell am I gonna talk about it or touch anyone unless it gets to the point they’re in so much pain and (I hope) give me the signals that they need comfort but have no way to ask. Or maybe I’m reading it wrong and I get in their space, but they seem comforted when I do it.

Well, that’s what the CODA’s for–learning the boundaries are for me to recognize, enforce for myself, and use when I interact with others.

My name is Jess, and, ugh, I am all levels of effed up. Layers upon layers of it. But I am in it for the miracle, for the promises. The people I love deserve all of me–and I deserve all of me, too.

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