Posted by: innerpilgrimage | July 19, 2013

Walking in Mental Circles: Why Can’t I Walk a Leminescate?

      I’ve had the hardest time shifting from being so overwhelmed mentally with conflicting shoulds and shouldn’ts. I have books I struggle to comprehend because I am so distracted, projects I am struggling to complete because I am so distracted, spiritual practices I promise myself to start yet don’t because I am so distracted. That said . . . this level of discontent and utter chaos has driven me into seeking help before–spiritual, mental, emotional, and even physical.

      I did, in a book entitled Willpower’s Not Enough, find a list of Non-addicted Belief Systems. While, yes, it is clearly in addict-minded language, these bits of truth are acted out every day by people who I know are not addicts. I mean, accepting one is okay being imperfect and not all-powerful? It’s sensible, yes, but the idea that some people aren’t burdened with the unceasing longing to be perfect is totally alien to me. I know the language, but I have such little self-knowledge that it barely scratches the mental surface. That said, they are really good affirmations for a person seeking clarity and spiritual healing. More are listed, all which support recovery from addiction one self-aware statement at a time.
      The one I struggle with the most right now is “Honesty is more important than image.”
      This is tearing through my CoDA, SLAA, and OA recovery like a storm. I know the solution is opening myself to the spiritual and getting honest with myself. I don’t want to be honest with myself. I want the world outside me to approve of me, but what I am finding is that I can’t even reach a human-to-human connection with anyone. I am so lost in my own head most of the time that I barely notice the world around me. I am shut off from any potential connection with other people, and it is a very sad state of being. I actually feel cut off from my spirit. I feel the call to step onto the spiritual. The difficulty is that I long to do it perfectly. I want so much to just . . . be approved-of. I want to be loved for what I do. I am not doing it for me, and that is totally honest. Personally, I am afraid that a spiritual experience is self-delusional.
      Wow. I think I really am having a Two of Swords moment–two truths in balance, yet I am so afraid to even take off the blindfold to see what I have to choose between. What’s worse is that I am denying the emotions which could help me connect to the world, to heal. That the experiences I endured have the potential of real self-knowledge and altruism toward the world by having compassion for myself and others.
      I hope tomorrow to be surrendered enough to make it to meeting–either OA or CoDA. Just . . . get to meeting and let go of that frustration that I feel like I am being rejected since no one is willing to extend themselves into my isolation and take my hand to rescue me out of the self-imposed prison.
      Then again, it’s “I put MY hand in yours.” If I want recovery? There’s a map. I just have to use it.
      My name is Jess. I’m codependent, a love addict, and a food addict.


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