Posted by: innerpilgrimage | January 29, 2017

The Light that Shines Within

A friend of mine was recently moved by this, and I was moved in turn by it. Despite its November 2015 release (on Alessia Cara’s album Know-It-All), I think this has a message that it’s empowering to choose not to join program to get thin to please the world but to be mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy for ourselves:

It’s been a time since I wrote anything here–18 months or so. I weighed myself earlier, and I found myself at 236 lbs. today. That weight is a reflection of uncontrolled, uncaring, unrelenting relapse eating.

It seems shallow to say that nothing tastes as good as thin feels, but I am straining my pants over food that makes me feel physically ill and sluggish. I don’t want to eat it. Currently, I feel queasy because of what I ate today. I didn’t really eat that much, but what I put into my body was a mix of moderately nutritious and absolutely insane. I feel slow and tired and bloated. And (loath as I am to admit it) bubbly in a bad way.

For what reason would I do this to myself, knowing that reasonable eating made me feel so freaking amazing? I’m not even numbed out by the food. I actually feel in a permanent hover around the first day after a horrible bout with the stomach flu. Headachy. Queasy. A misfit in my body. I feel sick and tired, that same kind of sick and tired that sends people to program because they are sick and tired of being so ill. If I have “sexy” high-fat-and-sugar foods all around yet have a fantasy of a chilled clementine? I think there’s a message that I miss feeling healthy . . .

. . . which is what I admitted to myself and a room full of OA members over 7 years ago was what I wanted: to be healthy.

So, I am setting down my damned “My meetings must be in a room!” pride, and I am going to look for online groups. I write better than I speak, anyway. I just want to be part of it again. I want to take the time to think and read and really digest the inspiration which can come from 24 hours or 24 years of program (not even abstinence).

I’m starting my food plan tomorrow. It’s based on the second one, when I adjusted it to gain weight after I found myself severely underweight yet wanted to keep going, thinking I could become willowy and elfin despite my natural, sturdy bone structure. I have lived in fantasies for too long, and I miss reality. I’m not looking for a model body. I want to work in a vegetable garden and manage bags of feed for poultry and carry an overnight pack into the wilderness just to get one of those divine and peaceful moments which would go unobserved were I not there. Too many days are passing, and the inside of an apartment is not living to me–even if it’s all lost the moment my brain shuts off. That I existed then and there is part of eternity, part of the imminence and the immense that is the cosmic journey of a being in the Universe which is as a quark is to the solar system. That I exist means I have changed and am changing the cosmos–just as everyone else who has existed, does exist, or will exist.

I’ll be journaling here, and I will be picking up my crochet needles again. I’ll be committing to getting into the world every day and moving my body.

I’m vulnerable today. I was so damned cocky that I would never see this side of 200 lbs. again in my lifetime, but relapse is an ugly thing. I lost faith in program, in me, in all of it–especially since OA was where I lost the belief in a Higher Power which has a special will just for me.

Then again, I keep reading the comments, and I am deeply moved by the depth of humane concern for my well-being, bordering on fraternal/sororital love. People who say that program works as an excellent Higher Power are right. Hands are out for me to grab and hold, and I am ready to put my hand in yours.

Together we can do what we cannot do alone.

Together, we are the miracle of recovery.

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