Posted by: innerpilgrimage | February 12, 2017

My Gratitude For Today Is That It’s One Day at a Time

I’m also grateful that people shared in the comments section of my previous entry, too. There’s a profound loneliness at times, one I think is shared between most (if not all) of us. That sense of isolation–be it our own choice or others’ choice–is . . . well, it’s painful. It also is life-as-written. Accepted as fact. The way that it is, and nothing but a miracle can change it.

The hard part was looking back at the 22 July 2017 entry: Brutal. Oh, and the people who showed up to offer experience, strength, hope, and so much COMPASSION . . .

That 24 hours was a bad 24 hours. A lot of them were.

I am afraid to go back and see the travelogue of my OA journey, especially when I was Miss OA Know-It-All. I also don’t want to look through the carnage of that journey to relapse and forensically figure out, “When did it happen?”

I’m not sure I even want to read that initial confusion I had as I was so desperate to stop compulsively eating the morning after my first meeting. It made no sense. It was so damned confusing. Though . . . I think it was important that I wrote as honestly as I could in every entry I put here.

I’m not perfect. I don’t work program perfectly. I don’t work the steps perfectly.

I’m flawed and weak–I get mean when I act selfishly and egotistically. I am also hopeful and empathetic–I smile when I hear people found solace or joy. I’m neither saint nor sinner–I am not a dolt or a bad person if I’m overweight; I’m not a genius or a good person if I’m anorexic.

I believe the principles of program work. I believe that the words used don’t work for a twenty-first century fellowship. If program can’t change, I gripe to myself, then how is it consistent with me having to live one day at a time?  I think of the times I’ve been silent during the Lord’s Prayer . . . and the people who notice in that way that says it’s NOT okay even if they placate and say it is.

I don’t know. I just . . . well, intergroups in AA give enough trouble to agnostic meetings, how is OA going to react in the same situation? Our numbers are smaller than AA’s numbers, and my own experience is that a meeting can get very . . . emotionally charged if change is proposed. It doesn’t matter if a meeting is falling apart or has weeks when no one but the person with the key shows up (those were bad 24-hour-at-a-times, too). Or when newcomers show up and the person with the key has no clue how to run a meeting.

Today? I’ll just be grateful that I can be food abstinent and do have people who reach out–even when I don’t believe it’s possible. But it is. It’s part of how a strong fellowship works. It’s the how of getting better together.

And that’s a wonderful thing to be grateful over during this twenty-four hours.

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