I finally got to a meeting room yesterday, one that made me cry to be in because of what it once was to me. Yesterday’s weather was overcast and grey, and few people were there, and not all the lights were on.

It was dim, dark, and despair-filled compared to the other times I had entered that room. And I’m glad it was, since that was a room where I mourned a program friend so profoundly that I wondered then (and now) if people thought I was 13th Stepping with him. Despite the anxiety of knowing I was walking into a room I’d abandoned years ago, it was the best recovery-minded choice I’ve made in years.

After being numb for so long, feelings came back and I had to sit with them. And I am grateful, so humbly grateful, that I went yesterday afternoon.

So I am a fiction writer. Published author, actually, though I strongly doubt you’ve even heard of my pseudonym. No, I’m not here to sell books, I’m here because I drafted a novel manuscript while I was having issues in program a few years ago. I recently found that manuscript and read through it, absorbing the healing power of the fellowship and of program in my life even during an intense period of struggle to surrender.

I wrote it to work a serious program issue I couldn’t resolve because I was too close to the problem. Working recovery through a fictional character helped then. In dusting that manuscript off, I realized it also helps now.

Well, it appears I have reached thirty days of food abstinence, holding to that food plan which lifted me out of a lifetime of obesity (with few short respites) just over seven years ago. And I’ve come to see that without meetings, I’m still having problems.

Today, I’m sick. Allergies turned into a sore throat with a cough, so part of me wants to use food to coat my throat and comfort my sluggish and mopey self. That part of me is the same worn-out self which coaxes me to break abstinence and lie about it, since I am sick today.

I may be sick, but I don’t also have to be weak this 24 hours.

So, for those looking for ESH (experience, strength, and hope) and Good Orderly Direction (without the personal patriarchal capitalized pronouns) to read? Try AAAgnostica.

I hope some day that I can link to an OAAgnostica organization, but I’m grateful today that I’m neither alone as an atheist/agnostic 12-Stepper nor alone as a compulsive eater nor alone as both.

So today is what I consider earns special mention as a Holiday Eating Season day despite being weeks past the official Halloween-to-New-Year’s-Day eating season. For a compulsive eater who has to set confectionery on a trigger-foods list, nowhere is safe.

Okay, so for those who are still trying to get into the acronyms and initialisms of program, HALT is an acronym for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. It’s a powerful tool in the 12-Step arsenal. When I feel triggered to act in compulsion (no matter the compulsion), I can stop and consider:

• Am I hungry?
• Am I angry?
• Am I lonely?
• Am I tired?

If I say yes to any of them, I know it’s a day which needs more attention to keep me from breaking abstinence.

I’m also grateful that people shared in the comments section of my previous entry, too. There’s a profound loneliness at times, one I think is shared between most (if not all) of us. That sense of isolation–be it our own choice or others’ choice–is . . . well, it’s painful. It also is life-as-written. Accepted as fact. The way that it is, and nothing but a miracle can change it.

The hard part was looking back at the 22 July 2017 entry: Brutal. Oh, and the people who showed up to offer experience, strength, hope, and so much COMPASSION . . .

That 24 hours was a bad 24 hours. A lot of them were.

People don’t appear to be in a reading mood for my new entries. It’s all right. I’m not much in a writing mood, so I’m not bothered.

Morning

This morning I wanted to get up and weigh myself, in hopes that I magically lost a lot of weight since I started eating 24 hours at a time. Having lived this before, I know it’s a process. The first time around, I recall having the diet mentality as well. I wanted to reach a goal weight in days, not appreciating that it took time and commitment to program and to this new way of eating.

As I prepare to go to bed with my 2-quart bottle of water, I have reached another day of food abstinence.